Ways to Help your Child Calm and Soothe Themselves
John Swank, M.S.
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

These instructions are for parents of young children. The typical problem presented is young children who are fussy, difficult to calm down, and need constant attention. One of the difficulties is that they have not been helped to learn how to calm themselves down. One of the contributing factors is too quickly picking up the child to comfort them when they are fussy, having a temper tantrum or not getting their way. Unfortunately picking them up quickly happens quite frequently. Parents who feel guilty or feel sorry for their children sometimes have great difficulty. Some parents mistakenly feel that they are neglecting their children if they allow them to fuss or cry.

Theory: You want to reinforce self-soothing behaviors rather than giving attention or "noticing" attention-getting or demanding behaviors. Comforting them too quickly prevents the child from learning to calm themselves down. They then depend more and more on people around them to calm them down, they develop bad habits, and do not learn to take care of themselves.

How do you do that?

Solution: Begin to pay attention to when your child starts to settle down or calm themselves down. Do not follow your first instinct and go to them when they are upset, fussy, crying or demanding. Delay your response long enough so that your child takes a breath, settles themselves down a bit or even wears themselves out. Wait until, at a minimum, they are calmer than they usually are when you pick them up.

At that point, approach the child, and given some reassuring comment such as "I knew you could handle it," " I know you can calm yourself down," or simply, "Now that is better."

Common objections: Some people think that it is unloving to not comfort a child. However, if the child is misbehaving through attention-seeking, demanding or controlling behaviors, then your comforting rewards such behavior. The purpose is not to comfort less, but "comfort smarter." Give as much comfort or hugs as you like, but be more selective in when you give them.

Progress and Rewards: You will discover as you consistently work on this that your child will test you less and less. You may also discover that your ability to "wait-out" your child improves, as you discover that this is important training for many life-skills. Learning to delay gratification and to self-comfort are quite important skills, and your child needs to learn that early in life. Taking time to teach your child will increase their self-esteem, teach them independence, reduce fussy, demanding behavior, and generally help create happier, healthier children.