Some children have more problems with emotions than others. My sister points out my similarities to my father (not always complimentary) with the phrase, "The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?" It certainly seems that many children have inherited a tendency to struggle with moods, and respond inflexibly to situations.

A particular problem that I am increasingly recognizing in children coming to my office is their inability to be adaptable. For lack of a better term, I describe their behavior as "locked-in." They appear chronically inflexible.

These are the kind of children that you learn to be very careful about what you say. If you tell them that you might go miniature golfing this weekend, and then the weather turns bad or other plans come up, they have a "melt down." These children have trouble "shifting gears" or changing tasks. Frequently when you ask them to go from one task to another, they act as if they don’t hear you because they are absorbed in what they are doing. When you push them or get upset with them, they react out of proportion to the situation. If you treat this as "a rebellion that needs to be put down" you will frequently have a major meltdown that may take hours to get through. Meltdowns lead to your child being incoherent; and progress is impossible.

Many parents treat this behavior as willful disobedience. However if they look at the family tree they will frequently discover other family members who have similar difficulty dealing flexibly with situations. These other family members often are described as being moody, stubborn, hard-headed, mean, explosive, "having a short fuse" or inflexible. There is often a family history of drug or alcohol abuse. Thus there is often a genetic predisposition to difficulties with regulating moods and temper.

Such children often have a poor ability to describe what their inner world is like. Instead of saying, "Mom, when you ask me to do something and I am busy on something else, I need a few minutes to shift gears," they usually are silent or say "No." It is not very helpful to assume that the child purposefully explodes and has trouble adapting. Actually it makes the situation worse, since if we believe that someone does something on purpose they should be punished. Such a response almost always makes the situation worse rather than better.

One of the biggest problems is that that one of the parents often has a "short-fuse" like the child, and is just as inflexible. When parents recognize their own tendencies and want to work on their side of the problem, and at the same time help the child learn to cope better, progress is often quite rapid.

Such explosive children often need a combination of treatments to help them function better. Just as children with diabetes may need medication as well as learn to change their diet, and find ways to reduce stress, explosive children usually need both medication and counseling. Parents need to learn to understand the nature of their child’s temperament. The parent can learn strategies that reduce the frequency, intensity and duration of the outbursts.

The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, Ph.D.
A Review

An excellent resource for dealing with the overly sensitive, explosive child is the book, The Explosive Child, by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. This book gives an overview of some of the factors that contribute to children being explosive and have "meltdowns."

A benefit of this book is a method to help parents sort their child’s misbehavior into three "baskets." Basket A is the sort of behavior that is so serious that you are willing to suffer a meltdown about. You step in quickly and forcefully. Basket C is the sort of behavior that you are going to "let go for now." When a parent places behavior in basket A or C, the child does not learn from the experience. Basket B is the place to put behaviors that as a parent and child you are willing to learn to negotiate, compromise and work out together. Dealing with Basket B behaviors is not easy, since it requires a calm, deliberate response.

One of the challenges of parenting is to keep the number of Basket A behaviors to the smallest number possible, and then making sure that you don’t respond with a Basket A response to a Basket B behavior.

Greene’s book is written for parents as well as professionals. It helps parents understand the likely cause of their child’s explosiveness. The book gives helpful examples to reduce the number of conflicts, while at the same give parents guidance in teaching their child better coping skills.