by John Swank, MS

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Parents frequently consult with me regarding their child's behavior. Interestingly enough, many times the best way to change a child's behavior is for the parent to change their own behavior. This also leads by example, rather than insisting that the child is wrong and must make all of the changes. The following are some strategies that help.

1. Quit lecturing. If lecturing was going to work, you would have perfect children. Children often tell me how much they resent lecturing. As adults we don't like our bosses endlessly lecturing us, so why would our children find it so helpful. My rule--use no more than two short sentences to say what you are upset about, and what you expect to happen differently, and what will happen if improvement does not take place.
2. Quit making threats you don't keep. Children become deaf to threats they know you won't follow through on. Children frequently tell me that they endure threats and lectures because they know there is "no teeth" in the threats, and they can repeat bad behavior with few consequences. Only make threats of punishment that you are fully prepared to keep. Remember, most punishments are inconvenient for parents as well as for the child.
3. Quit asking questions. Questions tend to create defensiveness in adults as well as children. [The big offender is "Why Questions." If you add "you idiot" to the end of most why questions, you don't change the meaning at all!] All questions can be turned into statements. This is extremely hard to do, but well worth it.
4. Focus on the positive. The ideal relationship between positive and negative comments is about five to one. As you give fewer than five positive comments to each negative, your child's behavior is likely to become worse and worse. Being twice as positive as negative seems like it should work, but it doesn’t.
5. Find an alternative way to talk or think about a behavior that your child does that upsets you. This is called "reframing" and is a quite powerful strategy. Stubborn can be seen as "determined." "Out of control" can be seen as "energetic." Many things that parents see as "problem behavior" can be seen in a positive light as "movement toward growing up and making your own decisions."
6. Don't feel sorry for your child very often. If you feel sorry, you imply that the child cannot manage and take care of themselves. You want to communicate an attitude of encouragement that what they face may be difficult, but that they can figure out a way to solve their problems. You want to empower them to overcome their hurts and pains and worries. Don't encourage fearfulness, but look at ways that they can work at solving their problems.
7. Make your children important members of the family. Have family meeting times to solve problems, brainstorm ideas, assign tasks, and work on solutions. Take turns having leadership of the meetings.
8. Make the punishment fit the crime. Children sense when there is no logical fit between what they did and the punishment that they receive; and they are justifiably upset. If schoolwork is the problem then adding more study time is a logical consequence. Reducing TV time is logically related to schoolwork. But not going to the dance that has been planned is not very related, and likely to cause more resentment. A simple strategy of having the child pay back in labor that time which was spent solving a problem they have created is one that works well. Many children don't resist it all that much.
9. Let your child have the last word. Frequently the child "gets an attitude" and "smarts off" to the parent when they are criticized or given a punishment. It is no more correct for the parent to have the last word than the child. Even worse, when the parent insists on having the last word, they look more childish and lose their sense of authority. A simple statement from the parent such as "I am sure I would be upset, too, if I were told what you were told" allows the child to have the "last word" without getting in more of a battle.
10. Postpone consequences until you have cooled down. It is much better to say, "I need to think about this for a while so I can decide what I am going to do" than to make threats and statements that you have to try to undo later.
11. Try to respond differently than usual. Being less predictable is sometimes helpful when you have a "stalemate" between your child and yourself. Try to imagine how a parent you admire might handle it. Imagine how a comedian would respond. If you change, your child will have to respond differently.
12. Ask yourself how good your own experience was with your parents and how was your family experience. If you had a fairly negative experience and your children are causing you fits, consider some counseling for yourself. If your family was dysfunctional, you are likely to attempt too hard to protect your children from unpleasant experiences. Many such parents are a bit like yo-yo's. Some days they are over-protective, other days quite demanding and unpleasant. They try to be their child's best friend, but they also get their feelings hurt easily. Frequently they find parenting as quite difficult and unpleasant.
13. Work on marriage problems if they exist. Marriage problems cannot be hidden from children, and it puts unfair demands on the children. They get affected in many subtle ways, such as each person wanting the child to be on "my side." Or if you are already divorced you may see reflections of an ex-spouse you can't stand in the child. Parents who get counseling for themselves often make significant positive changes in their family, including relationships with their children.
    
     

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    © 2002  John E. Swank, MS, LPCC   Swank Counseling , 315 Public Square, Troy, OH 45373 www.johnswank.com