Swank Counseling  21 Robin Hood Lane   Troy, OH      (937) 339-9876
We have moved to 21 Robin Hood Lane off North Market in Troy. We are the first office on the right facing Robin Hood. [Directions]

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            We specialize in getting you an appointment quickly.  We offer most people an appointment in less than 48 hours.
 

Problems we help solve:

• Feeling Stuck
• ADD/ADHD
• Marriage/Relationships
• Parenting
• Depression
• Stress and Anxiety
• Anger Management
• Addictions
• Bipolar Spectrum
• Alcohol /Substance Abuse
• Repetitive Behaviors
• DIY/Self Therapy  

• Challenging Kids

Guerrilla Affection

by John Swank
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Children frequently need more affection than they get. This is often the case of junior high and high school students. Part of this is of their own making. They withdraw from contact as they seek a more adult role. Girls often have less physical contact with their fathers as fathers are not sure how to handle the emerging sexuality. Some fathers back off so much that it leaves their daughters quite confused. Guys find it "childish" to continue hugging and kissing mom or dad the same way. Our teens and pre-teens make faces, grunts, and groans as affection is offered to them. Many parents take their complaints too seriously, and back away almost totally from the child. Also many parents feel rejected by the transition to adolescence, and retaliate by not showing affection, or feel bewildered and do not know what to do. There are constantly changing boundaries as well. What is appropriate touching toward an infant or toddler, would be quite invasive toward an older child, and wise parents know the difference. Some children have to get quite vocal to get their parents to make those transitions, and many parents get their feelings hurt in the process.

One strategy that I have developed is "Guerrilla Affection." Most of us know something about guerrilla warfare. The early American colonists may have invented it, shooting at British soldiers from behind rocks and trees, firing off a shot and then disappearing into the underbrush. The colonists "broke the rules of warfare" and the British had trouble figuring out how to respond.

Guerrilla affection is a quite simple strategy. Give quick "hit and run" contact with your child. It can be a touch on the shoulder or arm, a quick hug from behind, or a tousle of the hair. Make some sort of pleasant contact, and then disappear. Do not look back to see the reaction, since it might discourage you. Do not let them see the expression on your face. Ignore any grunts and groans. Be careful to try this in private rather than in public where they might be more embarrassed. Be persistent and keep doing it. Make sure you are doing it in a pleasant way, and do not really expect much of anything in return. (Remember, you are the parent. You are to love them whether they act like they love you back or not.)

I have discovered that it can make a difference. I had one mother try this recently. After a couple of weeks her preteen started coming up and giving her hugs from time to time. Prior to that the teen was distant and would not come close to her. His attitude improved and he became more cooperative with her.

Some time back, I was talking to a teenager, trying to explain that perhaps her parent was having a tough time, since this was the first time they had raised a teenager. The teenager politely, but clearly, came back, "This is the first time for me being a teenager, too." As parents, at least we were teenagers once. They are doing it for the first time. Be careful not to let their complaints and grumbling about touching be taken too seriously. We do need to give them more space. And we need to discover new ways to keep closeness with our children as they enter new phases of their life. The need for touch remains, but it can change some in form. Guerrilla affection may be a way to let your children know you still care.

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