8 Tips for Parents for Monitoring the Internet

by John E. Swank, MS, LPCC

The internet changes the way that parents and children interact. I believe that it is as revolutionary as a teenager getting a car in 1920’s. That decade became known as the "Roaring 20’s" because of great social changes, especially among youth and young adults. What used to be social limits were suddenly disappearing, and the access to the automobile was a major factor. Youths’ access to the internet is just as likely to change forever the relationships between generations. We have long forgotten the discomfort that parents in the 1920’s felt as they coped for the first time with the new technology of cars, and the forever changing impact this made on social relationships. It is difficult to imagine a world without cars and future generations will take the internet for granted.

Unfortunately there are no clear rules as to how parents should deal with the internet, just as no one could anticipate how future generations should deal with the automobile. However, I do have some preliminary thoughts, partly based on a little of my own experience, and mostly from listening to others who have had difficulty.

1. Consider where you put the computer. The placement of the computer can solve a great deal of problems. I believe the computer should be in an area that has the most people going past it. This allows everyone to walk past and see what is happening. Most families put the computer in a den or in a child’s bedroom. This makes it very difficult to monitor, and creates an image of privacy that may not be warranted. Keeping the computer in high traffic areas also makes it more likely that you can have some family interaction, rather than the internet being a solitary activity.

2. Decide about privacy issues. While children deserve privacy, I am not sure that the internet belongs in the category of privacy. People at the workplace have learned that e-mail is not private, and parents need not guarantee privacy about what takes place on the internet to their children. But this needs to be clearly discussed. Children will likely raise the issue, "Don’t you trust me?" Just as you don’t trust a 16 year old to drive as well as a 30 year old, it is okay to have different level of trust based on the situation. And it is okay to trust your 14 year old, but you wouldn’t let them ride the subway in New York alone at 11:00 PM!

3. Chat rooms have risks. They usually deteriorate quickly into sexual innuendoes. That doesn’t mean the same thing doesn’t happen in junior high or high school groups. And contact with other people on the internet has an uncanny ability to develop into what seems like intense intimacy without the reality of face to face contact. And of course there is no guarantee of who the person really is. I have counseled married people of both sexes who have been "single and younger" on the internet. My own hunch is that chats rooms should be severely limited, but as a parent you may have to risk World War III with your child.

4. Limit the time spent. My own opinion is that 45-60 minutes per day is plenty. If your child can’t self monitor, then install passwords so that they can’t get in unless you do it for them.

5. The internet appears to change the brain. The most obvious is that using the internet can be a quite mentally stimulating activity. It can be quite interesting and keep your brain active. However, I find that the brain can get overstimulated. While I don’t want to be over alarming, it is my guess that the brain gets "wired," much like too much caffeine or somewhat like cocaine. It is my experience that I can be very exhausted and sleepy, but I can get on the internet for 3 or 4 hours, and be wide awake, and have trouble going to sleep after I quit. I don’t think that is unusual. I have talked to people who have been clearly addicted to the internet, and they report going on very little sleep for weeks at a time, and not feeling very tired. One of the studies done on the use of the internet also showed that using the internet was linked to depression. The more that people used the internet, the more likely they were to be depressed. This is an area that will certainly be studied more in the future. These are good reasons for limiting the amount of time that your child spends on the internet.

6. The internet has a potential for being addicting. The internet can be addicting because it is always unknown about what you will get. It is like winning in gambling once in a while, so you keep gambling. While the mailman delivers mail just once a day, at any moment, someone could have left you an e-mail, or at any moment, there might be one of your buddies on line available to IM or ICQ with.

7. Learn as much as possible. As a parent, if you are going to have a computer, you need to learn about parental controls, passwords, and software programs so you can monitor the internet for your child. As is true in most areas, including reading, school, and sports, parental involvement plays a key role and makes a big difference.

8. You need to be willing to cancel. You need to be willing to discontinue the internet if your family can’t handle it. Some personality types are more prone to addiction than others, and I suspect that this is also true for the internet. If that person can’t handle it themselves, then others must step in and do it for them. Having the "keys to the internet" may be like having the keys to the car. Many parents tell me that discipline gets easier when their child turns 16 years old. The threat of taking away the car often improves motivation. Likewise, the internet can be presented to your child as a privilege that carries responsibilities.

From a Troy Daily News  article by John Swank originally published August 1999